Vacuum

If you asked me what has happened the past couple of weeks, I couldn't tell you. Or maybe I could, but... it would be fragmented, chaotic and empty. Even when you feel low there are sometimes those little bright moments when everything makes sense. The past couple of weeks were alarmingly lacking as far as those were concerned. The emergency anti-depression team arrived too late to tackle the invasion, and all but the very last line of defense fell to the merciless onslaught. When every step feels like walking through barbed wire - placed by yourself, no less - while you are proverbially hitting yourself in the face to make things even harder, you can't honestly expect an honestly good result. Maybe the self-punishment was over the top. Maybe the barbed wire was a wee bit too much of the good thing. Maybe a few cuts would be enough. Maybe you should build some confidence in yourself instead. Maybe it's pointless writing this. Maybe it isn't. Maybe I don't care. Maybe I'm writing it regardless.

It's darkness that leaves me most defenseless. I never bring a flashlight.
When you stop noticing the simple things... leaves fallen off trees, people smiling at you, your breakfast, soft rain... Something is wrong. I can't afford going numb, even though I've been close to that a few times. The worse it gets, the harder it is to face a mirror. Is that me? Is that me?

Yes...

Okay. Recap. I'm a relatively quiet guy... perhaps the awkward type. I don't usually go out a lot. My alcohol tolerance is not the best. When you take that and add too much alcohol, things usually go pretty awry. But it's a learning experience... A few people will see that I called them in the middle of the night. Don't even ask me why.

It's funny how the mind reacts to a hangover... Personally, it makes me feel like I'm trapped in some kind of surreal dream, and I can see people's faces and hear their voices. Whenever I close my eyes for just a moment, I enter the Noir Drunk Gallery with moving images of people who are pissed.

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Waking nightmares perceive the neighbour in pantomime glory, none of its heartlight reflected in depraved memories; now in iron grip wishing for more than a pained dirge to roll over the wall of the mind, summoned strength not to last but broken and in pieces spread everywhere in the space of dark doubt, spurring onwards a spirit once lost to irrational grief, now buried in the forgotten sands of the same dream.


Note to self: get a camera.

Fragments.

Relax... It doesn't matter, does it? Just a paradigm shift in the mind.

Was nice last night seeing some of my former classmates. Some things change, some things don't.
The school seemed so small compared with the university. Music was too loud as per usual.
Saw some familiar faces, and some unfamiliar ones. Spoke to people I knew, and people I hardly knew. When people are sufficiently drunk, everyone knows everyone.

Some fellow said "I am observing two problems on the dance floor. One is that guys can't dance. The other is that the girls don't care." I don't know, that kind of dry humour makes me smile a little.

And then there are the little things. Like a night without clouds. Like rare sunlight in Autumn.
And it gets cold, and people find their gloves. And it occurs like that in a dream, in fragments, when the leaves fall off the trees. I saw it at a hospital, apples falling down, going to waste on the ground. It seemed a fitting image on a cold day when I thought of all the people whose time is robbed away by illness.

Well, it's quiet. The computer is humming. I listen to a bit of music. I contemplate sleep. And life continues.

Phonetics

What's that sound? Did those 0.234 seconds matter? What kind of vowel was that? Did I mark it right? Why did I just listen to the same bit of sound 20 times in a row? Get that voice out of my head!

Okay, I'm exaggerating. But phonetics drives you a little crazy. In a cool way though - when the little things fall into place, you get that wonderful feeling that everything makes sense.
I can see why someone would devote their life to it, though I'm not sure I will.

I'm currently effectively making an effort not to make an effort. The written assignment is dull, and I've better things to do. Like, surfing on the internet and watching random youtube movies. That's educational, ladies and gents.

And while the majority of the world's population will be working their backs off per usual this Tuesday, I'll be enjoying my usual day off. Finishing that bloody written assignment probably... Oh, and acupuncture! That'll be nice... hopefully it can help dealing with all the tension in my muscles. I had a nice workout a couple of hours ago which made me feel all energized and happy. Note to self: MAKE IT A BLOODY HABIT, YOU LAZY GIT!