Vacuum

If you asked me what has happened the past couple of weeks, I couldn't tell you. Or maybe I could, but... it would be fragmented, chaotic and empty. Even when you feel low there are sometimes those little bright moments when everything makes sense. The past couple of weeks were alarmingly lacking as far as those were concerned. The emergency anti-depression team arrived too late to tackle the invasion, and all but the very last line of defense fell to the merciless onslaught. When every step feels like walking through barbed wire - placed by yourself, no less - while you are proverbially hitting yourself in the face to make things even harder, you can't honestly expect an honestly good result. Maybe the self-punishment was over the top. Maybe the barbed wire was a wee bit too much of the good thing. Maybe a few cuts would be enough. Maybe you should build some confidence in yourself instead. Maybe it's pointless writing this. Maybe it isn't. Maybe I don't care. Maybe I'm writing it regardless.

It's darkness that leaves me most defenseless. I never bring a flashlight.
When you stop noticing the simple things... leaves fallen off trees, people smiling at you, your breakfast, soft rain... Something is wrong. I can't afford going numb, even though I've been close to that a few times. The worse it gets, the harder it is to face a mirror. Is that me? Is that me?