Events

I have an illness. It is possibly neural, but the various doctors, dentists and other people who have had a look at me for the past 7 months haven't quite pinned it down yet. It started in the beginning of this year shortly after I stopped working as a mail man. I felt dizzy. Tension and brain spread from a certain point in my upper jaw, and I was scared as hell. What might it be? Was it dangerous? I was constantly reassured by my parents, but it did not always help. I first saw my dentist, who had a hunch and redirected me to another type of doctor. I was told that I'd have a CT-scan. Instead I arrived at the hospital only to meet a young and incompetent doctor who reserved time for a scan, which I had to wait another series of weeks to get. Various assumptions and conclusions followed after the scan, and I was given some medicine. Which turned out not to work.
I was told that I'd be redirected to the neurologists, but nothing happened, and a few weeks later I contacted them. It turned out I had been forgotten. Meanwhile other symptoms started to show themselves... Irritation in my left hand, tension in most parts of my body. The pain in my jaw grew slightly worse. Given a reminder, they said they'd redirect me immediately. But the neurological department simply directed me back where I came from.
Not for the first time during my time of illness, I screamed and cried. It had already been a little while since I had been supposed to go to Africa to visit a friend and stay with him for 2 months. But it was not possible because of the illness. And another delay was not what I needed.
I contacted my personal doctor who heard me out and contacted the neurologists directly.
I went there. I had a receipt for some medication and assurance that I'd get a more elaborate scan, an MR-scan. The medication did not work, but neural illnesses have a way of being robust, so it may be that some other form of medication is in order. The MR-scan won't happen before the 6th of September. I was hoping I wouldn't have to begin my studies in this state. I was hoping that I could've seen some more of the world before my educational life would move on. But that was not going to happen. Instead I spent 7 months home. Playing games and meeting people over the internet, which was enjoyable, but it was not what I had wished for. And constant doubt and fear instilled by being kept in the dark without a clear diagnosis, even now.

There are people in this world a lot worse off than I am, but for someone who has never experienced anything like it, it is not easy to understand the true implications of 7 months' pain, irritation, fear and disappointment. Anyone who has such an illness, if they did not know of loneliness before, they do now. You may gain support and kind words for your loved ones, but in some situations they cannot understand you because this kind of pain can't be shared.

But now I know that I will remain in doubt while I study, and I will have to accept that.
A few days ago I met some of the people I am going to study with, and I saw the environment in which my studies will take place. I gained some information and got a general feel of the place.
Most of my fellow students are girls and/but (depends on your view) the ones I spoke to seemed open-minded, and I have a good feeling about it all. Of course, you can't really get to know anyone on such a thin basis, so I'll have to see how things work out during the coming period of social activities, and then when the real studies begin in September. Everyone is curious about the things we are going to learn, and though I've dabbled in it before, I don't know all that much about linguistics.
My resolve is not usually the strongest, but knowing that I can keep in touch with old friends and hopefully new ones, I feel my resolve strengthen through hope.

Yesterday I went to see some of my former classmates, and though we weren't many who showed up, it was one of the best days I've had in a while. One year is quite a while, but it makes me relieved that people haven't changed all too much. They were all familiar and even though I had not seen them in a long time, it was easy to start talking without too much restraint, and it made it easier to ignore the constant pain. That little reunion was another source of hope to me.
And while we were walking over to see a couple of my former classmates' appartment, I bumped someone from my first school whom I hadn't seen for 6 years. It was a very strange experience because such short moments of conversation can't nearly cover 6 years of change, and both people meet on a superficial basis, knowing they are both different now and have only the knowledge of each other's names and faces in common now, apart from memories long gone.
You just see hints of the toll that those 6 years have taken, and you can't be certain whether it was for good or bad. Or a bit of both as is often the case.

Then on my way home I met someone I used to play pen and paper roleplaying games with. Or rather he shouted at me, beer in hand, and we had a brief and fairly meaningless conversation as two individuals with intoxication in common. And then I came home, and the pain in my jaw was stinging as it usually is when I'm exhausted. Still, I was happy, and I slept extremely well that night.

Then today for the heck of it I started playing one of my "old" games. Or it wasn't really that old, but it had been a while since I played it. Dreamfall - The Longest Journey in all its visual grace on my fairly new 22 inch widescreen monitor (long live LG!). It took me back to the first time I completed it, playing almost non-stop since I ripped it out of the box and slammed it into my DVD-drive. Books may be able to trigger images and emotions, but once in a while it's all worth it to completely immerse myself in a computer game, eating the narrative in its pure, digital form. And I think now is the time to continue my adventure into Arcadia and Stark in that very special game that has earned a place among my favourites.

"You're about to take the first step on the longest journey of your life"